Victory parade routes for Creighton University Athletics
Deep within Creighton’s athletic department, in a dusty, rusted filing cabinet, are the master plans for a victory parade route should the Bluejays ever pull off a national championship. All of the paperwork is there, ready to be filed with the city on a moment’s notice, so that there’s a seamless transition to showcase the victors to their adoring fans. Maybe there’s a protocol involved in this; it becomes an associate athletic director’s task every summer to make sure that everything is up to date, calling the city, handing off the plans, dotting i’s, crossing t’s, and handing over a check to assure the proficiency of the process.
Maybe the parade route is augmented each year to suit Omaha’s ever-changing landscape to assure accessibility. Maybe it hasn’t been touched since Bob Gibson was pouring in buckets in the late 50’s. Maybe it simply doesn’t exist, leaving the athletic department scrambling for plans on how to best showcase the athletes that conquered the tallest mountain in collegiate sports.
In the case that it’s the latter, let’s explore some options on how to route a proper parade for the Bluejays. If Marcus Blossom is reading this and is realizing that parade plans don’t exist, please call or text me. I accept venmo and cashapp. I am cheap and fun. Do not steal my good ideas. Feel free to steal my bad ones.
OPTION ONE: OL’ RELIABLE
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. It starts at a parking garage on Creighton’s campus and ends at a MECA property. Gene Lahey mall has an amphitheater where players can goof off on stage and do somersaults or whatever. This is by far the most boring route to appeal to everyone. It would also temporarily block off traffic on Dodge street which is a must.
SCORE
Accessibility: 2/5
Danger: 4/5
Disruption: 1/5
Scenery: 2/5
OPTION TWO: FACILITY TOUR
During victory parades, lots of photos are taken. Professionals and amateurs alike would be flooding social medias with snapshots from the parade, culminating in a whole lot of native advertising for whatever fills the background. Creighton would be foolish to pass up an opportunity to showcase their campus and their facilities to use in ad campaigns later on. This is the best move, passing by every facility the University uses for its athletic endeavors. It doesn’t disrupt Dodge street which is a huge blow, but if I’d have to guess, this is probably pretty close to what their blueprint looks like, finishing off the parade either in the parking lot adjacent to the CHI Center or inside the halls of it - where they can charge admission and sell beer.
SCORE
Accessibility: 4/5
Danger: 0/5
Disruption: 1/5
Scenery: 2/5
OPTION THREE: DISTRICT CHAMPS
This is for all the weekend warriors, the folks who love to dance like there’s everybody watching, the people who speak loudly about their love life after one and a half craft beers, and the developers with an insatiable lust to make their mark on our city. Without these districts we’d be void of all the culture that our fair city works so hard to create. This is a lengthy parade route that transforms itself into a bar crawl which is something this city can rally around. The only missing slice is disrupting Dodge street on a busy day. The best part of this route is that it goes by Nox-Crete, giving all parade-goers a chance to see one of the worst disasters to strike the city in this calendar year!
SCORE
Accessibility: 1/5
Danger: 5/5
Disruption: 4/5
Scenery: 5/5
OPTION FOUR(twenty): BY YOUR MOM’S HOUSE
This is the best parade route available as it welcomes the entire city of Omaha into it and even crawls into Ralston. The only flaw is that it doesn’t disrupt Dodge street enough, so it loses a few points because of that.
Accessibility: 420/5
Danger: 420/5
Disruption: 420/5
Scenery: 420/5
OPTION FIVE: A NICE STROLL
All Creighton fans and players deserve to endure a spiritual awakening to remind themselves how fleeting victory is and the Camino de Santiago is the perfect route to do it. We’re only on this small spheroid for a finite amount of time; it’s best experienced with the breathtaking views of southern France and northern Spain. Make sure to pack a few pairs of socks!
SCORE
Accessibility: 1/5
Danger: 2/5
Disruption: 0/5
Scenery: 5/5
OPTION SIX: ADMIN PILGRIMAGE
You can’t make a list of parade routes without including an ode to all the Creighton administrators who fancy themselves members of an exclusive country club and get to shop at the flagship Hy-Vee store. Though a short jaunt, this parade route is only missing one thing: snarling Dodge street and bringing the citizens of Omaha to their knees. Make sure to get bath bombs, ill-fitting clothes, and produce to toss at the athletes as they give their victory speeches!
SCORE
Accessibility: 3/5
Danger: 1/5
Disruption: 0/5
Scenery: 1/5
OPTION SEVEN: AMERICAN BEAUTY
It only seems right to celebrate the success of the Bluejays by visiting the two greatest natural wonders that this country can provide. To see the beauty of a perfectly set ball, a cornered kick, a hooped sphere, a country crossed, a boat rowed, or a ball batted should only be met with carhenge and a bass pro shop that’s in a pyramid. Again, this parade route completely misses out on causing an absolute mess on Dodge street, so the overall score will reflect that.
SCORE
Accessibility: 0/5
Danger: 4/5
Disruption: 0/5
Scenery: 4/5
OPTION EIGHT: FUCK IT, ALL OF DODGE STREET
SHUT IT ALL DOWN. COMPLETELY RUIN THE CITY’S ABILITY TO TRAVEL EAST AND WEST. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, TAKE PACIFIC? OR BLONDO? OR MAPLE? OR CENTER? BULLSHIT. JOIN THE FUCKING PARADE OR STAY HOME. YOU CAN’T EVEN TAKE THE GOD DAMN ORBT BUS. STAND ON THE EXPRESSWAY AND WAVE TO THE CREIGHTON ATHLETES ON THEIR VICTORY LAP AND SPIT ON THE PEONS THAT MISSED OUT AND HAVE TO HANG OUT IN OLD MILL. THE CITY WOULD CRUMBLE. OH GOD THE POWER. THE POWER CREIGHTON UNIVERSITY WOULD FEEL IF THEY SHUT DOWN ALL OF DODGE STREET. COULD YOU IMAGINE?
SCORE
Accessibility: 5/5
Danger: 5/5
Disruption: 10/5
Scenery: 2/5
